...motherless... !

I donked it up last night. I mean I stunk it UP something fierce last night! It was only a net $33.xx loss but that's a substantial amount to my online CarbonPoker bankroll. Especially since I was basking in the glow of my reaching the $241 mark! Now, I did catch a case of 2nd best there for a while...but my wins were few and far between. And when I had a hand the world folded to me, nearly every time! I made a whopping 73 cents on Aces Full of Kings for Pete's sake! The worst part was the little BlackJack interlude. Wow, that game really is EVIL, online!!! And I even knew it...I just wanted some instant gratification! But all I got was just BUSTED UP! Thank goodness I was only betting $1 a hand! "Why?" you may ask...why was I even playin' blackjack, after having sworn it off. Well it was intended to be a comfort game to me. I was on tilt last night, before I even started playing cards at all. Baseball game hadn't gone well. I'd been yelled at before the game, which was still stuck with me. I wanted some peace and quiet when I got home, but no one was cooperating. Big Red went on a cleaning rampage...and well I was just being selfish. I desperately needed ME time...although I don't know why. I thought I'd feel better winning a few measly bucks. Well losing the 33 didn't help my mood any. I finally went to bed and was glad when sleep took me. I didn't want to talk or listen. I just wanted to stop feeling so lousy. These are the times when I lose money, thankfully not much. But it's these times, when I desperately need my poker diversion, that I shouldn't play. Whether the poker gods are with me or not...it will NOT be a useful, profitable or at all enjoyable session. I think I've taught myself a lesson on this point...at least until the next time anyway. Sometimes you know I just get pissed off at the world. I think we all do, but I've been doing it a lot lately. It can't be a good thing when it's so obvious that your 14-year old daughter recognizes it and tells you to get happy! Your kids aren't supposed to see that. How can you lead and guide with a chink in the armour? Anyway, it's back to the ole drawing board online. I'm now sitting at $208.xx on CarbonPoker, up over my initial deposit...but I've now pissed away $12.00. So yeah, it's less than break friggin' even poker. Although the $12+ is thanks to the motherless BLACKJACK MONSTER! I'll do better, I promise.

I'm really leaning more and more, to wanting to play at higher levels, in ring games, maybe at $1/$2 NLHE...but the online bankroll is what it is...with it being so very difficult to get money out there anymore. I just really believe that the donk fest...6-7 players to the flop will be reduced at least slightly. I've gotten in the habit of not betting or raising nearly high enough, because I'm feeling like I'm witnessing AutoCalls. I had two insta-callers at the table last night, a HEAVY bluffer...and one or two guys that were slow playin' EVERYFRIGGINTHING! And each time, luckily against those last two, I was holding my losses to a minimum. But these guys were smooth calling with AQ and KK with multiples in the pot!!! WTF!!! Trap yes...but so many times, I came SO CLOSE to suckin' out on them. And they didn't even acknowledge their good fortune. Then there were the guys at the table who would go on an ALL-IN binge for a few hands at a time. All-In for $10-$25 bucks to win.35-$1.00. Other than to be a complete dick...what for. I'm getting angry and down just thinkin' about it. I could recognize when most of these guys were full of shit...but I just NEVER had the cards to do ANYTHING at all about it. I mean what am I gonna do push with my monster 3-6os? These guys were calling it all, folks...almost like they knew what was coming up next. I hope that's not true, for the sake of poker, but I'll probably never know for sure.

I've ranted long enough here, and can feel my bloodpressure and heartrate continuing to rise, so I better bring this to a close.

Regards,

cheer_dad