Neuter...and not just in language

First let me get this out of the way, JR thank you for hosting last night. It's good for friends to get together. I'm tired of my own claims to variance bullshit. Cold cards, cold decked, case after case of second best. I do this thing to myself. I once "played" this game out of exploration, out of entertainment and enjoyment. I would say that now it is about the grind, the profit, but there is NONEof that either, profit or grind. I've become my worst enemy, whether, failing to acknowledge my inferior hands for what they are...inferior. Failing to recognize the less than subtle slow play by my opponent. Taking too far the marginal hand staring me in the face. Push, push, push, raising ever higher. Now, when you're beat, you're beat. The A-A vs K-K scenario played out twice last night within 10-minutes. To those who would say that shit never happens, offline, fuck off. AND it happened in BOTH of its exquisite forms. I appreciate and admire them both. Sally's rockets to Robert's cowboys went down with the rivered king, despite a "turned" boat. True 2-outer hit for all to see. Pained expression from one, regret, BUT delicious surprise from the other.

10-minutes later, a returning Sally limps this time, I push with my Kings, re-raised by Sally of course with her Aces. I can put her only on 1 of 2 hands Q's or A's. The bittersweet realization. Not enough to make me walk, of course, and who would with the Kings. Nice hand...and it played out the "way it should be." The hand in the lead stayed that way. Either way, it played out. Reduced in stack, I then shortly afterward faced Vince, not really reeling from the feeling, but somebody let me know when I'm going to start winning some fucking hands. I mean it'd be nice to know, seriously...I've tried to push out the negativity, really. I had very positive thoughts. But I look down from late position with AJos, to an unraised pot, hell yeah, it's a good opening hand. Folds around to Vince, smooth calls. All others out. A-x-x hits the board, well we have what we wanted, with our any ace, actually a little stronger than average I would say. Minimal raise it, risk draw out, or push now, and end it here. End it here, push with the remaining $6-ish. Immediate call, displays the A-----Queen. Ah, the slow played big lick. Nicely played Vince. Chips please over here. Yes, of course another $20. Drop a few, win a few. Score some big ones. A3h pays big, when I turn the flush. The final river brings a 4th heart, unreal the number of times I've seen this of late. Then, the final beer run, just to the fridge, but Big Red decides for me that's enough, was it 4 or 5. I'm put in my place...and although it is the obvious choice that I leave and let Big Red continue her winning ways. The affront of the remark embarrassed me. The male ego is a fragile thing. In the presence of my friends, our friends, I've become the new JJ. I nod, deal my last hand, ask for cashout, find my son, depart, express my displeasure to the night sky, and then to her as she follows me out the door. Yeah I was embarrassed...and am still. I've been emotionally neutered. Mine are now nailed on the mantle as well.

Maybe I should stay away from poker, at least for a while. Not only is it frustrating me, but continues to put me in other awkward situations.

Regards,

cheer_dad